People can change

I have been trying to stay quiet in all this because this decision was Mary’s and only hers.  I have done all I could do to show her that I have really become that man she always thought was buried deep inside.  I appreciate all the comments I have been getting.  I never understood why it was important to her to hear what perfect strangers had to say but after reading some of them, I now see it.  I believe the best advice comes from people who are not part of the situation.  None of you have anything invested in what Mary does, so your advice is unbiased.  I thought for sure after her last post that I would be getting some pretty hateful comments.  I was pleasantly surprised to see that some of you actually support our relationship.  Some of you have asked some pretty important stuff, which of course makes Mary ask me all the same things.  Of course, I have thought about her kids as well as my daughter.  I want to make this transition as easy for them as possible but I am also aware that this is not a movie – there will be tough parts, nights filled with crying and probably 2 little children who will hate me at first.  I understand that I will have to earn their trust, respect and love.  Please know that it will not be a fast transition.  Mary and the kids will not be leaving Tom and moving in with me right away.  They will live on their own for a while before I am even introduced as a friend.  I know some won’t believe this because of everything I have done but I do feel for Tom, I don’t want to rub this in his face, I don’t want to embarrass him in any way.  He just fell in love with someone who should have always been with me. Not his fault at all.  It is all mine for not seeing so long ago what that woman meant to me.  Some of you have talked about how maybe all we have is passion and great sex.  While that is true – boy could I tell you stories but Mary would kill me.  She has already posted enough to make even me blush – nah I love that I can do those things to her.  We really do have so much more than that.  We have this undying understanding of what the other is going through.  She knows that she can cry on my shoulder all night and has – without sex.  She knows that I will respect her decision – even if she changes her mind and can’t do it, I will walk away this time knowing that I did everything in my power to get her back   I know things will be tough for her and her children, I know this will be the hardest year of their lives but I also know that at the end of it, we will be together.  I know it sucks that all of our children will be growing up in broken homes but the way I see it, they are still young and they still have 4 parents that will love them all and we still have a lot of time to show them about love.  I hope this doesn’t destroy them, I pray that all parties concerned can proceed like adults and only think of what is best for them.  I know some will say what is best is for them to grow up in a home with both of their parents but we all know that isn’t always possible and as long as they grow up surrounded by love, I believe this will work.  Thank you all for the support and I am sure that Mary or myself will post soon but we will be spending our last Christmas apart but I am hoping to steal a moment or 2 over the holidays to give her my very special present that I hope she loves and maybe to have some of that amazing sex that she always talks about……

Things I love about Mary

 

1. The way my heart leaps into my throat when I see her
2. The chill that runs down my spine when I touch her
3. The way she adores her children
4. The way her hair falls over her face when she swings her head around
5. The curve of her neck
6. The way my hand fits on the small of her back
7. Her patience
8. Her never ending ability to laugh
9. Of course, her unmistakable beauty – I really wish she would post a picture so that you can all see she is one of a kind
10. Her bright blue eyes against her dark brown hair – they are piercing at times
11. Of course, I love her body and her ability to bounce back into better shape after every baby – she is the envy of all her friends
12. The way she forced me to start running to clear my head and sort things out
13. The way she loves her family and friends so deeply
14. The sparkle in her eye when she is watching one of her kids excel.
15. The way she loved me
16. The way she forgave me
17. The way she smells when she first comes out of the shower
18. The way she looks when she is wet and in the shower
19. The way she knows where to touch me to make me want her to never stop
20. how she can look just as good in a  a pair of my boxers and tank top as she looks in a formal gown
21. The way she made me feel the first time we made love
22. the way she made every other time always feel as exciting as the first time
23. The way she can look through me
24. The way she looks amazing without a stitch of makeup on
25. the way she looks like a movie star with make up on
26. the way she is teaching her daughter to be a strong independent woman
27. The way she is teaching her son to be a kind and caring man
28. The way she has brought out the best in me
29. The way she makes me want to grown old with her
30. The way she will look on OUR wedding day
31. The way she feels laying next to me
32. I love watching her sleep
33. I love making love to her
34. I love loving her
35. I love her

 

 

I am going to try to make some things a little clearer but please try to bear with me because of course I am no way near the write that mary is.

Mistake number one – yes back when we were in high school, I was a prick, a cheater, a liar.  I was also a teenage boy.  A boy who had found a girl who understood him, loved him and tried to bring out the best in him.  All I cared about was partying, having sex and my car.  I know I treated her badly but understand this, I loved  her then, I always knew I loved her – I just wasn’t ready for her at that age.  I broke her heart, I admit it and I am sorry for that everyday.

Mistake number two – I wanted to stop her from getting married but I just couldn’t do it.  I didn’t know what I had to offer her at the time so I thought letting her get married would be the best thing.  I know that if I would have stopped her that day, things would have been very different today.

Mistake number 3 – starting the affair – of course I know its wrong, I am not a monster.  I knew we were betraying other people.  I knew she was torn about how she felt.  I also knew that I loved her and not just her body or the sex we had, even though she does have the most amazing body and it was the most amazing sex ever.  Those are only a few things I love about her.  I know it was wrong but the heart wants what the heart wants.

Mistake number 4 – when I finally had her, I didn’t tend to her the way I needed to.  I want to make this perfectly clear, during our time together, I NEVER EVER cheated on her.  I know that she just found it hard to trust me and I should have put more effort into making that happen.  I guess I just thought we could have just started over fresh, no baggage but we come with baggage and lots of it.  I didn’t make her trust me, I should have called her 50 times a day to make sure she knew where I was, I should have come home early every night so she didn’t have to start worrying, I should have tried harder once I had her.

 

I’m sure most of you will add that mistake number 5 is this, chasing her again.  I know it isn’t morally correct or whatever but I love her, always have always will.  I have dated a few other women and I have never met anyone who understood me the way she does. I have never met anyone who made me feel the way she does (and I don’t mean just sexually). But if you must know, the sex was outstanding – that girl knows some tricks and I must add that she has always looked incredible wearing nothing but a smile.  I think her body is even better now… I am getting so off track daydreaming about touching her.

 

I know some of you say that mary should stay with tom because she married him and that should be that.  How fair is that?  Do we live in the middle ages or something?  People do get divorced, people change, people make mistakes about who they marry.  Should she be punished because she loves another man?  I understand that marriage is a commitment but what if your feelings for the person you are commited to have changed, do you still have to stay in that marriage.  Do you just wait until either they die or you die to be free.  I did read one comment about teaching her children the wrong thing.  Mary is an amazing mother who would sacrifice her life for those kids but does she need to stay miserable to set a good example or does she explain to them one day that mommy and daddy just stopped loving eachother?  Don’t millions of other people do that – they don’t need to know all the sordid details, come on people – now that is cruel.

 

I am done for now, I will make a list of why I love this woman soon and post it.

 

Mary, don’t let these haters talk you out of what is in your heart.  You know that you are the only person who can make this decision.

 

I will say thank you to those that think it is brave of me to do this and to those that think you should follow your heart.

If anyone is reading this, chance are they came here from mary's space.  Mary as you know her is my ex girlfriend, my first love and the girl that got away.  I let her go more than once and I regret every second of it.  she is married now with a family and of course I am not a monster.  I do understand how many people will be hurt but should we suffer forever because of it.  Should our love be the only love denied?

I know there are people out there that hate me and don't even know me.  I created this space because I found out Mary had a space and have read hers and thought I should give her a place to read how I have felt about her in the past, the present and what I want in my future.

 

mary, if you ever wonder what I think about and are afraid to ask, just come and read here. I will try to keep you posted on what I am thinking.

 

thank you and let the angry comments begin!